I’m 99 Places, This Blog Ain’t One of Them

I used to love to blog. I really did. I would grab a random topic from my life, and choose my pics carefully to accompany. The writing tied together loosely, as thoughts flowed freely–it felt like a river running from my mind, to my keyboard, only to drain into the gulf of my screen. Seeing my thoughts come to life in real words; tinkering around with the best ways to say something–I enjoyed it thoroughly. I would meticulously proof read chunks of it, and glaze over the rest of it. I would toy around with sentence structure. I would get massive anxiety about it all being stupid. I would think to delete. And then, THEN, I would hold my breath and hit ‘publish’. That was always my least favorite part; however, because of all the times I did hit ‘publish’, I made some really great connections, and had some even better conversations.

And these days, hell, these years, I don’t like to blog. Nothing about it feels fun to me anymore; maybe because it started to feel like something I’m supposed to do, or maybe because there are roughly a million other things I’d rather be doing…like, enjoying fairy lights, a candle, and the sounds of a lake and loons, at midnight. (And before that too, with kids laughing in the background.) Or my bedroom–finally cleaned–with candles and lights and a seriously old film. Or maybe even fresh star lights in my kitchen, which help to up my mood when I’m just feeling a bit down.

Or baking cookies…just because someone is heading back to the dorm that evening and I want to send cookies with for her, and and her friends. OR! Making Light Sabers because Youth Group just happens to be on May the Fourth and you have an amazing pastor/boss/friend who is leading the evening (and is also a HUGE geek). I’d rather be making fun snacks, and taking pics of them (while also low key showing off my nails). Heck, I’d even rather be shopping with Spiderman and spending an hour making the best sail boat ever–only for it to be used for three minutes.

And, definitely hanging out lots with my favorite bff cousin and trying Kombucha beers together, meeting up with family that I’ve only met once, laughing until literal tears, and enjoying the hell out of the vibe that live music, pine trees, blue skies, green grass, dogs and beer create. (We refer to each other as #BFFCFL–best friends forever cousins for life.) Oh! And my friends! I have amazing groups of friends. I have friends for hikes, for thrifting, for drinking, for swimming, for churching, for venting, for healing, for playing, for praying, for laughing…and then I have my most ride-or-die bff’s ever: Amy, Lindsey and Laurence. (I have so many pics with so many more friends that I’d love to share…but there are SO many kids in those pics. Which is cool to me…but nothing I’m crazy about posting here.)

I’d even prefer to be camping in the backyard, to celebrate the first days of the summer–a season that I don’t even love (I just have to survive it, to make it until Fall 😉 ). Or climbing a ladder to build a trellis for the vines that are trying to engulf my shed. 🙂

I’d much rather love to be watching sap drip, hiking alone in the rain, feeding the local chipmunks by hand, finding bugs (after getting bugs up my nose and in my eye), fishing (and then not winning the fishing contest–ONLY because I forgot to enter), being surprised by a tree frog at my mom’s, feeling fungi, chasing frogs for far too long, and photographing the most rockstar moth, having the most amazing concert.

Oh. And speaking of fishing…I’d definitely rather be enjoying MN lake life. A cold beer on a hot day. The kayak (even if I am just chasing my kids out to the neighbor’s raft), the clouds, the sunsets, the floaties, the fireworks on the 4th, the sewing needle landing on my elbow and my dad’s big ‘ol cat that finally doesn’t mind me…that’s all where my heart is actually at. It’s with the family, the memories, the warmth, the mini adventures to the mall on a rainy day, the blue skies and poofy clouds, and the American flag blowing in wind.

I’d also rather be laughing. Or even crying…because working through those big emotions may feel crappy at the time…but damn it’s important in the long run.

I’d rather be gardening–my hands filthy, connecting with our planet, growing things that I get to explore fun recipes with, and simply enjoying straight from the ground. I’d rather be watching the life cycle of a dandelion, meditating with the help of the crickets, tracing a fern with my fingers, talking to the full moon, and imagining the gnomes under the mushrooms. I’d rather be staring at the flowers in awe of their colors, and hanging my clothes out to dry–thanks to the energy of the wind and sun.

I’d really love to be thrifting–sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend. Maybe I’m piecing together new outfits, finding treasures for others, searching for things to complete a household project with, or finding my new favorite Halloween decorations–in August. Either way…those thrift shops, flea markets and garage sales…I’m there for it all.

Oh yeah! And then there’s work. I’d rather be at work ANY DAY over writing a blog. My jobs are a lot. Most people give me that wide-eyed look when I tell them what I do. I work with kids–and especially teens. I work with their families. I work in the church. I work in Montessori. I work with the highs and the lows, and the mundane that lies in between all of that. I work with my kid’s likes, their dislikes, their ideas, their passions. I work with them, as humans on this Earth, along with me. I respect them. I learn from them. I also spend a LOT of time sitting in front of my computer–working to connect them all, along with their families, to the things that I’m coordinating. Pride events, art stuff, homeless shelters, game nights, May the Fourth preachings, etc., etc., etc. This is, hands down, one of my favorite things in life. My jobs–and, above all, the kids who inhabit my jobs.

And then, more than anything else…more than sitting down to write any blog EVER…I’d rather be doing alllllll the random stuff I do on a daily basis. The little things that make up my week as a whole, in the most amazing ways. Whether it’s flying airplanes in the snow, hiking with two little dudes (or alone), having game nights with my family while the cat tries to take over the board, enjoying the sunrays falling around my face, photographing an amazing wedding in my favorite dress/boots combo, planning (and playing during) my middle kid’s first real bday party, prepping and painting parts of my house, Svengoolie on a Saturday night, working on my wire wrapping techniques, learning about rocks and crystals, measuring Goldfish, hanging art in a place that isn’t actually home (but also is home), cabin breakfasts, plants and literally a million other things.

These are actually just some of the reasons why I don’t love the blogging thing so much anymore. Life if happening all around me–and, I’m actually busy inside of it all. I could go on, and on, and on about the Lego’s built, the games imagined, the drives taken, the conversations had, the deaths, the coffee dates, the church songs, the arguments, the movie nights, the births, the books read, the events planned, the sicknesses, the lawns mowed, the craft projects, the events visited, the Monday meetings, all of the tiny things I find huge happiness in and so on, and so on, and so on…or–I could just stop.

I’m not a blogger anymore. I don’t find enjoyment out of it like I do everything else. I find blogging to be something I have to do, not something I want to do. I want to do all the things I just wrote about, and I want to do even more that that…stopping to blog, makes me stop life these days.

Someday, I will probably LOVE blogging again. After all, I do love to write. But, right now…it’s not for me. This website, and blog specifically, have been hanging over my head–looming like a task never accomplished. So, this is the end for now. It’s been fun–but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I have a lot else in me–just not this.

I’ll be back here. Eventually. I really will. For now though…I’m much more reachable over a cup of coffee in a random coffee shop, in the middle of a random town. Or over a beer, with a string band strumming away in the background. And definitely on a trail along the Mississippi River, on a chilly October day. Or, actually all the time through a direct message on FB or via the good ‘ol emails. Reach out if you’re reading this and wanting to connect in any way. I’m around. ❤

Me tonight. Writing this blog.